Acting, Fitting, and Kissing Your Knees
How being an actor and model in an image-obsessed industry brought me closer to my body than ever
Some thoughts on how this profession I chose, where my appearance and is at the forefront of my work, where my body can be picked apart so easily, where I’ve experienced some of my lowest lows in my body… ultimately led me to deeper, stronger, more fruitful relationship to my body.
As an actor and a model, I think about this stuff a lot. And I know this isn’t the first time I’ve written about it either. Hopefully you find something in here that resonates or hits home for you too.
Acting allowed me to become embodied -
Last weekend I was the lead actor in a short film project. I hadn’t acted on a project in over two years, and I was EXCITED. I enjoy the process of acting on camera - onstage too, but my god it has been far too long since I’ve done a live show, so I’ll speak to on-camera work here. I am in front of the camera, doing my work, bringing a character and story to life.
At this point in my life, acting is a place of freedom and play - not judgement and self-surveillance. And that’s testament to A) my longevity in the work, and B) my self-work on healing my relationship with my self-image. I don’t know if 26-year-old me, who moved to Los Angeles in 2018 with dreams of expanding my acting career, would believe the woman I’ve become today - in terms of confidence in my skin (and in turn, confidence in my work as an actor).
This is a breakdown of a recent audition I had:
I was SO STOKED at the last phrase of the character breakdown - “Please no noticeable botox.” Like, yes! Me, with my natural face is wanted here. Cool. I am good. I am good. I am good. But so are women that have light botox too. The reality is - we are all welcome here. Even if you’re someone who chooses to get mega botox - you do you, boo. All faces are needed - I just choose to inhabit one that does not have these types of modifications to represent that part of the population ◡̈
At the end of the day, we get to do what we prefer, and keeping that autonomy when it comes to our bodies is extremely important as we continue to work as actors and models, too.
Fitting garments brought me closer to my body -
I recently recorded a conversation with a fellow fit model, and we spoke about the bizarre experience of what it is to be standing in front of a room full of people, in a bikini - or better yet, a bra and underwear - and having your body spoken about like you’re not actually present. It’s not normal for us to experience this type of magnification. One thing doing this work for the past 6+ years has taught me is that my body is good - no matter what somebody says about her, whether she books me the job or not, or if I’m personally feeling off in my body or not loving my appearance that day - I. Am. Good. My body is good. My body is safe. My body does incredible things for me.
I also have to remind myself of the greater purpose that I am there in that room to help fit clothes to a body - a real body that is representative of so many other bodies across the country who will be purchasing these clothes from this brand. This knowledge and understanding helps ground me in the present moment, so that I can show up and do good work. I am there to do a job and do it well, and I cannot do that job if I’m worried about how my body looks. And I want to point out that this is so fudging hard to do sometimes. It’s not always easy to separate it and be grounded in my feet and fully embodied. Some days, I’m not feeling my best. Some days, I’m feeling bloated. Some days, I’m feeling blah. But I do my best to subtly remind myself that is ok, and I am allowed to feel off some days too.
Kiss your knees -
Towards the end of each yoga class at my studio, we grab our shins and curl into a tight ball before expanding into savasana, and I will always give my knees a kiss because they are doing the literal most for me day in and day out. I love this little act of self-love and compassion for my knees - though they’re weak, though they crack and aren’t what they used to be (hello, years of tap dancing + road running), they get me through each of my classes, as well as each of my days.
So I hope you kiss your knees too - whether you practice yoga or not - as a reminder of how far they carry you.
Musing on these particular thoughts made me realize that the goal is more presence and embodiment and less judgement and self-criticism. And I really want that to be the baseline - for myself, for actors, and for all humans.
In body healing,
Megan ❤️🔥
Do you have a friend, family member or peer who might love this too? I’d be honored if you could help me spread the word about my writing and body image conversations!
While I’m not a licensed therapist, registered dietician, or medical health professional and cannot speak to body image topics from a clinical, trauma-informed place, I am an expert of lived experience. I’m an academic of my own body, and I’m passionate about facilitating conversations with other humans about their relationships with their bodies. I believe it’s important to continue conversations about healthy body image in creative spaces as a means to heal individuals as well as the collective whole. But just know the information presented in this medium is not professional mental health advice or medical advice, and any questions or concerns you have should always be directed to your healthcare providers.