I Finally Told My Therapist...
About my undiagnosed orthorexia and body dysmorphia
I’ve been with my therapist now since January 2021 - coming up on four years, wow. She’s seen me through some of the lowest times of my life (realizing I was with the wrong person, going through a breakup, struggling financially) and some of the highest of my life (making two short films, healing from said breakup, booking a national commercial). I’d always sprinkled in my body dysmorphia or that I strugged in college and post college with disordered eating patterns. But I guess I wasn’t ready to really divulge until this past Friday when I finally told her I was ready to dive deep.
It feels weird to name it and claim it, orthorexia because it’s undiagnosed. I was never told my a therapist or a doctor, “You have a problem.” I realized I had a problem on my own terms and did some deep digging to figure out what the f*ck was going on in my brain. I was familiar with the terminology of body dysmorphia before I’d understood what orthorexia was, and I new for SURE I struggled with seeing my body exist in a different shape than it actually did. I think part of the problem was I was viewing my body though the lens of disdain instead of love or neutrality or appreciation.
A lot of people struggle with body dysmorphia - I’d argue we all probably do at some point or another. I think it’s only amplified tenfold with the prevalence of social media and seeing ourselves in photos every other second.
Ok, back to the big reveal to my therapist. She welcomed my words with kindness and open arms - no judgement in sight. I was worried that because she is a professional, she’d judge me for my self-diagnosis? But I know what I went thorough. I knew as soon as I read, one day back in 2021/2022, the definition of “orthorexia” in one of Mik Zazon’s IG posts. I finally had a way to summarize what I’d experienced for so many years. It came to light that I was actually struggling, and that the way I was controlling my food intake and overexercising was actually unhealthy and made me mentally unwell.
It took me having a label for my disorder to begin to heal from it. It took me realizing I had a real problem to start to uncover what was going on inside my head. I did this alone, a lot of it on my own terms, in my own way. And for that, I am grateful. I didn’t take it into therapy, even though I know I could have. I know part of me feared judgement. Part of me feared labeling myself as someone who’d struggled with an actual eating disorder. I was still navigating the waters of self-judgement, unlearning my old habits, and re-teaching myself how to connect to my body - this time from a place of admiration.
I share this because I believe that even if we haven’t clinically been diagnosed with something, that doesn’t invalidate our lived experience.
Another thing that came up for me in sharing this pertinent info with my therapist was my realization that I’m coming back home to myself in many ways:
I’ve been wearing less makeup and exploring with more brown/neutral colors that better match my natural lash color
I’ve been letting my natural waves free this past year and enjoying discovering new ways I can style my hair
I’m starting to embrace my skin - all of the freckles, the acne scars, my light complexion
I’ve been giving myself at-home manicures because I’ve decided I like my natural nails best
All things that are bringing me closer to my natural physical body, existing the way she is sans accouterments. In shifting the way I see myself, I’ve shifted my relationship to myself. And in naming the disorder I’d experienced for so many years of my life and claiming it as a part of my lived experience, I’m setting myself free. And if I’ve done this, that’s got to be proof that others can as well.
In body healing,
Megan ❤️🔥
Do you have a friend, family member or peer who might love this too? I’d be honored if you could help me spread the word about my writing and body image conversations!
While I’m not a licensed therapist, registered dietician, or medical health professional and cannot speak to body image topics from a clinical, trauma-informed place, I am an expert of lived experience. I’m an academic of my own body, and I’m passionate about facilitating conversations with other humans about their relationships with their bodies. I believe it’s important to continue conversations about healthy body image in creative spaces as a means to heal individuals as well as the collective whole. But just know the information presented in this medium is not professional mental health advice or medical advice, and any questions or concerns you have should always be directed to your healthcare providers.
♥️♥️ thank you for sharing your story. ♥️♥️