The Poem That Inspired The Movement & Taking a Short Break for August!
To poem I wrote in 2020 that started it all & taking the month of August off from conversations.
This past week, my dear friend Cami Codell, of Cami Codell Yoga the 3 OMs Podcast, so kindly invited me to be interviewed for her show. In speaking with her, I went back to the origin of this body image work and why I started doing it in the first place. We spoke a lot about the short film I wrote and produced back in 2021 titled “A Broadway Body” and how that film was the breeding grounds for this movement that I find myself in today.
Many of you here may know of this film that inspired this work, but if you are new here, let me give you a bit of context.
In 2021, I produced a short film about a young woman struggling with her relationship to her self-image in the confines of her college musical theatre program. This story was sparked by my own body image journey - growing up a dancer from a very young age, and then going on to pursue musical theatre at the professional level, and all of the body stuff that comes along with said pursuit of Broadway and the entertainment industry at large.
Like many young women, I had been on a windy rollercoaster ride when it came to my body, how I saw her, how I felt about her, and how I treated her. During the pandemic, I was able to slow down enough to stop the ride and start to examine what I’d been going through for the past ten years prior. In doing so, I began to create based on what I was uncovering. Before I got to writing and bringing to life the short film, “A Broadway Body”, the first thing I created was a poem.
I remember it was fall of 2020, and I sat down one day to write. I was doing a lot of writing at this time, so it makes sense the first iteration of this work came out through this medium. This poem just flowed out of me, almost non-stop. If you’ve ever read Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert, this felt like a Big Magic moment, one of the first of many to come.
In talking with Cami, I shared about this poem and how it truly was the start of my journey towards body liberation for myself and my relationship to my own body, self-image, eating habits, movement habits… and it was also the start of my journey towards the body liberation work that I’m doing today. And so, I wanted to share the poem here with all of you.
This is the poem > that inspired the film > that inspired the Substack > that inspired the podcast > that inspired the movement… and I haven’t looked at it in… years. And I know it’s a bit vulnerable. I’m not going to lie, I’m a little nervous to read it again and to share it with you here. So thank you for holding space for it in all of its glory.
Before I share, there is a Trigger Warning on this poem. It touches on themes of dieting, over-exercise, EDs, disordered eating, bullying, etc. Please read with caution.
Stretchmarks // no baby. Your body wasn’t meant for that.
DISCOVERING
The search to fit in.
The need for acceptance.
Why do we all care so much?
Girl, it’s all at your heart’s expense.
If they want to call you big, call you fat,
They’re only creating their own toxic habitat.
Your insides matter much much more
Than the space you take up in the room.
Don’t let them go and start a war,
And tell you you’re worthless because you’re not thin.
Tears fall down on my sweater,
Navigating how to treat my body better.
Count my calories just to look like a “babe”
Never been in that category.
All my friends have boyfriends, one’s a huge bully
Straight up calls me a whale; whale fuck you, fully.
Unlovable: my diagnosis — got nobody close
Gotta say I hate that quite possibly the most.
Screw impressing some teenager that doesn’t care about you
Your whole heart, a fresh start will surely show them who
You really are, you’re a star, never fear.
Give it some time, that will become quite clear.
They tell you these things because they too are insecure deep down
Well, honey, that’s their problem to carry around.
I’d tell my younger self
You don’t need a dietician’s help.
I’d tell her in her 13th year
Don’t count your calories, my dear.
I’d whisper, you’ve got aspirations, sister.
Don’t wear your mind down.
Nobody else will be able to tell.
Try to treat your body well.
Spend your time with brownies, just the batter
All because you don’t feel you matter.
Sweet guy from the neighborhood asks you to prom...
Was it your mom who talked to his mom?
Protecting protecting my small fragile heart.
Hey, at least that’s a start.. to make me realize—
Dunkin’ donuts for breakfast
Taco Bell mid-day
Swim practice after school to melt it all away
Break your best friend’s glasses so she won’t get all the attention
Try to crush on her crush
Yeah, right, in what dimension?
You don’t need a man’s help.
Your worth won’t depend on how that kiss felt.
The ghosting, the posting, the bullies, them all.
You’ll come out stronger.
Stand up, goddess, stay tall.
Weight watchers at 15, all 180 pounds.
From pop tarts for breakfast, simply chowing down,
To bare plates and “I’m late”s, my belly’s too round.
Losing weight so slowly, yet not seemingly at all.
Will I ever fit into a medium or even a small?
LEARNING
First week of college, I’m being fawned over
Multiple men knocking at my dormroom door.
This is so unfamiliar to me I jump at every chance
To have my heart held by whichever boy asks me to dance.
Not working through childhood trauma,
Has left me helpless, all my weight on the drama
Of a love that was never meant to be
Because I didn’t love me how I should be.
Circling the cul-de-sac, just 19 years old
Running two straight miles to fit into this mold.
Lay flat on my back in front of the standing mirror
Just to flatten my tummy: daydream clearer.
Blueberries for lunch, a cookie for dinner.
I think MyFitPal read by March, “You’ll be thinner.”
A graduated 23-year-old queen,
Friends and family barely recognizing
Her struggles from within: to eat or to sleep.
Beats herself up over one small cheat.
“You look so skinny” and “you should eat more” only drove her to further reach that score
Lost that fat 50 but I’ll always want more.
Paleo, veganism, vegetarian, you try it
Weight loss pills, why not?
Apple cider vinegar diet.
Each one fails, the pressure’s too tight.
Looking for that one thing you might finally get right.
Just remember that when you run into these fools
These fools from high school
In the city you call home at 25 years old
When all the jogging has paid off
And the scale reads “less soft”
They’ll be wishing they hadn’t used those harsh words
Hadn’t called you those rude names
Hadn’t made you feel hurt.
HEALING
Who knew you’d be 28 and a half.
Realizing you’d been through quite the shit bath.
Your flabby tummy, your thick thighs,
Hey, bitch, we’ve all got cellulite.
No diet, no man, no treadmill will make you realize you’re beautiful.
The light is within, your soul, your beating heart.
The trips, the travels, the friendships, the battles.
The number on the scale, the size of your clothes,
All things that don’t matter, as I now know.
The thickness of your ass won’t ever determine
Your worthiness in a body that never was broken.
In the same year I find self-love and true love
Shouldn’t I have loved myself first?
Those nouns, the looks, the never-were crushes, the love notes not written, those never forgotten.
It was all harder for me so I could see now
How truly proud I could be of myself.
Fighting through a disordered eating disorder,
Not knowing I had a problem ‘til I was much older.
Spent years running every single day
What a god damn fucking waste, I’d say.
My knees are tired of holding this weight
And these thoughts that I’ll never be skinny enough.
Stretch marks are sexy
Embrace your damn skin
It’s the home you’ll forever be living in.
You’re squishy and your tummy sticks out like a bump
A few rolls over your panties, SO. FUCKING. WHAT.
Belly button deep, it’s just holding secrets
Do you love me yet? It screams into the ethers.
So what if someone looks at your midsection
And wonders “has that woman carried a child?” CORRECTION:
Your heart is much bigger than the shape of your vessel
No need to give that one a wrestle
It’s plain and simple, please believe me dear.
We all are struggling, and that is most clear.
Never was a hot girl
Guess what?
You don’t wanna be
Having good looks and a flat stomach?
That’s not the key
What matters is inside,
Empathy and compassion.
Build a good heart and mind
That’s truly what’s dashing.
For them all to see that you were never meant for their small community of thoughts that crush souls and words that sting a lifetime.
I’m sitting here in real-time, after re-reading this poem for the first time in… years. And I’m moved, and I’m feeling proud. This encapsulates so much of my story prior to creating this film and starting this work. And I am only tenfold more inspired to keep going for this little girl - the one who needed to hear she was strong and courageous and brilliant and beautiful, even if she didn’t feel it - and all of the little girls out there just like her.
Stay tuned for the release of my interview with Cami Codell on the 3 OMs Podcast this Friday, July 31st! I share more of my story and the origin story for my work. In the meantime, follow Cami on Substack and show her some love!
Also, I will be taking a break from sharing conversations for the month of August, and I will be back September 1st with a very special conversation, so stay tuned ◡̈
Thank you for being here. Thank you for reading. Thank you for supporting my work. Thank you for reading. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
In body healing,
Megan ❤️🔥
If you want to be a part of the conversation… either reach out to me via email at themegangill@gmail.com to schedule a conversation or fill out this form to share your body image story anonymously.
Do you have a friend, family member, or peer who might want to be part of the conversation? I’d be honored if you could help me spread the word about Continued Conversations
While I’m not a licensed therapist, registered dietician, or medical health professional and cannot speak to body image topics from a clinical, trauma-informed place, I am an expert of lived experience. I’m an academic of my own body, and I’m passionate about facilitating conversations with other humans about their relationships with their bodies. I believe it’s important to continue conversations about healthy body image in creative spaces as a means to heal individuals as well as the collective whole. But just know the information presented in this medium is not professional mental health advice or medical advice, and any questions or concerns you have should always be directed to your healthcare providers.